Heaven’s Brides by Jessica Mandella

  • Written by: Jessica Mandella


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Television MegaChurch Pastor Max Johnson has a big problem with the little lady.  Most husbands would hire a private investigator and a top divorce attorney.  Max would lose his sponsors.  The Good Conscience Independent Bible Church is a business, so the IRS can’t tell him what to preach.  The sponsors, that’s another story.  Firebrand Steakhouse and Patriot Ammo are two of the biggest chains in the nation.  Their customers would boycott over the pastor encouraging his wife’s ongoing affair with a woman.  Max is on his own for this one, spying on his wife in this dark, crowded club.  Dressed as a heavy metal guitarist in a long blonde wig, he doesn’t look like a preacher.

Waking up, Max remembers seeing lightning all over the club walls, then seeing Jesus.  Somebody spiked his drink with ecstasy, and he died for fourteen minutes.  It seemed like an eternity, as he got his assignment from the Lord.  Max put up a big rainbow sign on the church and signed new gay friendly sponsors.  He’s scheduled to preach the ‘Sermon Heard Round the World’.  Since the death threats, ‘Deadly Dykes’ have provided armed protection.  They’re the bikers with that slogan: ‘Mutilate this, bitch’.

It’s show time.  “This two-hour special is brought to you by the TransGender Alliance.  If you’re tired of pretending, give them a call.  And now, let’s welcome Pastor Max.”

“Dearly Beloved, much of what we thought we knew, was not from God’s word.”



Pastor Max addresses the choir.  “Confession is good for the soul.  I’ll pass the offering box.  If you’ve ever fantasized about you or your spouse having sexual relations with my wife Gloria, please put in your contact card.  If you’ve never had any such thoughts, please put in the blank card.  Everything here is confidential.”


Gloria lifts her voice.  “The human psyche tends to sexualize intimacy.  I have honest affection for people, and it’s natural to respond to it.  I’d like a nice conversation with you.  It’ll help you to think of me as a whole person, not just a face, voice and body.  I’m a whole woman, not a robot, so relax.  I’ll be flattered and affirmed.”


Many gasps fill the room as it registers, what’s being asked of them.  Nobody ever deals with stuff like this in church.  It might help people to talk it over with Gloria, the woman they’ve been perving on.  Things sure are different around here.


Max concludes.  “This is no joke, and it’s not a trap.  This is an opportunity to get some closure in your thought-life.”


* * * *


Gloria approaches her husband.  “That went well.  Are you ready for this?  I’m going to be gone all day for a few months, to visit everybody.  It’s not too late to make it only for talk.”


Max is excited.  “The question is are you ready for this.  We have to decide today, so we can start contacting them all.”


Sylvia is breathing hard.  “That’s right.  Sharing you is one thing.  Getting sick is another.  You two need to visit everyone who gave us a contact card, and ask them to get tested.”


Gloria is surprised.  “Only me and Max?  You’re not going to help?”


Sylvia shakes her head like she’s saying no to eating bugs.  “I try so hard to keep a low profile.  I dress like my grandmother.  You’re the one everyone pervs on.  Most of those people want their time with you private, without anyone else there.  Someone has to keep our man out of trouble, while you’re off doing the whole choir.  I’ll keep the home fires burning.”

This book was added to our catalog on Tuesday 31 October, 2017.

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